Someone told me that change comes from pain.
And I guess that’s why I’ve been butterflying it over the last few months
Molting who I’ve been
To just shed who I’ve become in a few weeks time.
Because the pain has been unbearable
Waves of scale of 1 to 10 it’s 25 pain.
But I can’t say that I didn’t like it.
Because these multiples of me
These photocopies of photocopies of photocopies
Have helped me shake it down to who I really am.
What it is to be me.
That’s not to say I enjoyed it.
I can’t say that all the wounds and the broken places felt nice.
No, no it hurt like hell.
Feeling my bones constantly rebroken
To take on some new shape.
But the change is settling down.
The woman I’ve become is nearer to who I want to be than I ever thought possible
So as the next few months fall off the calendar I hope I stay the same
And if Idon’t
If I am remolded for another time
I know she will only be a better version of me.
Because the last few months have been the most painful I can recall.
The most tear stained curled up sobbing months of my life.
But they’ve also been the most real.
These past few months have been the greatest and worst moments of my life
Stitched together like someones half blind grandmother was matching colors in the dark
But still making them a quilt filled with love.
Because that’s what I’ve learned most in the past few months.
My capacity to love is innumerable.
I have vast tanks underneathing this rib cage just waiting to be filled with love for other people.
But also the love of others.
Just because they don’t say it the same way
Doesn’t mean they don’t love you.
I am truly loved by an unbelievable amount of people
And I have seen that written across their faces in the last few months.
So if I change I hope they only love me for it.
But if they don’t
I will love them still the same.
Because love changes
Just like we do
But that doesn’t mean we have to lose it.
Just like I still have the fingertips of the girl I was last winter.
I still have her in the way I pronounce my r’s and how infrequently I do laundry.
She still has a home inside of me.
Just like they
Will always have a home in my heart.
So the pain may come
As it has before.
And I may become a ship lost on the waters again
But when that happens
When I return from that sea a bearded sea captain with a peg leg
I hope they just smile
And say “We’ve missed you”
Because this boat was made for one
And I’m all alone on this sea
And that’s okay.
I just hope when I return
I remember who I loved.