There are so many men attached to my life
Men instead of months or years
No instead of keeping track with numbers
I’ve just got the names of men I’ve loved.
Like the first one.
The first great big love
When I was starting to trust the world
And all a sudden he earthquaked in
Turning trust to fear and hope to disillusion
But then the next one came
And I still hear his voice when I walk uphill in the dark
And every February 14th feels like that one
But there are others
Like the summer where I learned my fear of water
And my lean-to-soul’s strength from him.
Or the winter when I learned the power
of shower shakes and long night walks
Or most recently.
The last year or so spent in a limbo of trusts and distrusts
Of love yous and apathys.
But I’ve just been adding on.
Hoping that if the chain grows long enough
I’ll lose the chain that been rattling the longest
The one I keep dropping in hopes it will fall off
But it never does
And I’m scared of it.
But he’s the reason I started counting my years with men’s names.
And he’s the one who keeps pushing me to change
When really all I want to do is call this year by a number
And forget he ever was.