Chained

There are so many men attached to my life

Men instead of months or years

No instead of keeping track with numbers

I’ve just got the names of men I’ve loved.

Like the first one.

The first great big love

When I was starting to trust the world

And all a sudden he earthquaked in

Turning trust to fear and hope to disillusion

But then the next one came

And I still hear his voice when I walk uphill in the dark

And every February 14^th feels like that one

But there are others

Like the summer where I learned my fear of water

And my lean-to-soul’s strength from him.

Or the winter when I learned the power

of shower shakes and long night walks

Or most recently.

The last year or so spent in a limbo of trusts and distrusts

Of love yous and apathys.

But I’ve just been adding on.

Hoping that if the chain grows long enough

I’ll lose the chain that been rattling the longest

The one I keep dropping in hopes it will fall off

But it never does

And I’m scared of it.

But he’s the reason I started counting my years with men’s names.

And he’s the one who keeps pushing me to change

When really all I want to do is call this year by a number

And forget he ever was.