Everyone’s got a father.
Someone who when you shake them up
Cut them down
And zoom in real close
Is half of their equation.
Half of their whole.
But not everybody’s got a dad.
And some of them are absent
And some of them we wish were absent
With the way the drugs and booze
Got their brain all scrambled.
And some of us
Well, some of us just got the brain scrambled ones.
There ain’t no rhyme or reason to why he is the way he is
But he sure the hell ain’t a dad.
Yeah I’ve got his eyes.
And yeah I got his complexion
But he sure the hell ain’t my dad.
Something I can’t name.
Something that sometimes pulls at my insides so hard I think I’m going to vomit.
Because he is the reason I’m broken.
The reason the first time I set my foot on that playground
Looking for some boy to chase
I knew he was my everything until he gave me up.
He is the reason I’m shattered.
The way even at 22 I’m still clinging to men who never treated me right.
And only seeing their eyes in my own reflection
He is the reason I can’t leave home
Because I’m still too damn scared of what will happen to mom
And I can’t let her on her own.
Because things might be good now
But I haven’t forgot the storm I was born in.
And I’m not likely to forget it anytime soon
All of the cracks and breaks are etched on this skin
And every night when I fall asleep wishing I had someone to hold
I trace them with my fingertips and they are what I call home.
Not a place
Not even my own family
Just these scars and who they’ve made me.
Because I can’t stop clinging to people
But when it comes down to it I’ve never really trusted anyone.
Never really gave my whole heart and soul to someone
Because from day 1 he was breaking me down
Teaching me the things his daddy taught him
Maybe not in the same way
Maybe not with the belt
But in the way that the bruises don’t heal
And the scars aren’t visible.
There were no teachers to see the marks and ask me what was going on.
There were no friends to tell me to just get up and run.
Because no one knew.
No one knew what the hell was I was going through
And I am sorry.
I can’t forget the past with the wash of a new place.
I can’t forget the way I still can’t look at myself and see someone of worth
Because I still hear him screaming.
I still hear the way things were when I would stuff my ears full of guitars
And drift away in someone elses pain
Mine was too heavy for me to hold.
So I won’t apologize for this.
I won’t apologize for the 2nd time I’ve been able to say this aloud.
The 2nd time I’ve ever really wrote things out
Without fear of the repercussions
I know you will read this
And I know you’ll cry
and I know you’ll feel bad
And you’ll say he’s better now
That things are better now
But they weren’t.
They weren’t for so long
And I am still facing that EVERY DAY.
This is not a cry for help
This is not a pity plea
This is who I am.
This is where I have been.
This is me once and for all saying
I am not going to let him have it.
I am not going to let him win.
Because everyday he makes me feel less of a person
Is a day I become what he sees.
So I’m sorry
But the texts
And the sporadic phone calls
Are not going to make up for this piss poor attitude
For this lack luster emotional trauma
For this muck and mire I have crawled out of.
The only thing that will make me forget
The only thing that will make up for this
Me getting away from everything he ever said.
Shedding the skin that I’ve traced the cracks in
And becoming the person I’m slowly realizing
I can be.