I’ve got this bad habit.
This addiction almost.
Though my mother would never say it was.
I’m a people pleaser.
I crave the positive attention of others.
And I could make a list
Of possible causes.
But you don’t want that do you?
You want silly anecdotes
Depicting my life to please every possible person
In search of some worn out half administered praise
That will get me high for half a second.
I know I could tell a thousand stories.
Of cutting corners
And breaking my own heart
Just to see a light in other peoples eyes.
But I’m trying to break the habit.
Trying to stop focusing on the drivel and the made up emotions
So I can get to the heart of the matter.
So I can stop jumping from person to person
Feeling hurt when I don’t get the love that I am seeking.
Sure I’ve got a laundry list of people who adore me.
But for some reason my brain keeps writing them off.
I want these people
These newer, sexier, more artistic people.
And my heart is screaming that its wrong
And my head knows it too.
But for some reason
For some odd reason
Those are the only people I want to please.
Those are the only people I want love and adoration from
And when I don’t get it
When I don’t get it I feel awful.
I feel like the most low down person in the world.
Like I should just give up
And end it all.
But I keep counting those people,
Counting the ones who I do know love me.
Hoping that someday
Someday I’ll stop being a people pleaser
And the people I already have
Will be enough.