In my head you’re not gone.
You’re not lost and wandering.
In my head, you’re home.
Sometimes I still think of telling you something.
It’s been over a year, but I still think you’re here.
Sometimes I look you up to see
To see if it was all a trick.
If the lies I’d heard from friends
About the way you painted your walls
Were just propagated by the school and your friends
As some sick way for you to wander off.
You to wander out into the wilderness.
I think you’d like that.
Away from the noisey obnoxious people.
That you always ranted and raved at.
And when I think back to the week that it happened
I just feel numb.
I feel the numb as I sat on her bed
Unable to believe that you were gone.
I feel the numb as I went home and cried in the shower
Begging God to bring you back.
I feel the numb the day I skipped all my classes
And sat in the cafeteria and just stared at the world.
The world that still spun after such an awful thing.
The world that still spun without you.
And even now.
A year and a half later
I still think of you as out there.
Not gone, but missing.
Someone still worth searching for.
Pulling strings and bringing down the grey clouds
Staring in their blackened windows
Hands cupped around my eyes
Trying to peer inside them and see you.
And no matter how many times I believe you’re out there
I know you’re not.
I know I will never find you.
I know that only when I am dead too
Will I see your grimace again.
And its tough.
Because I’ve always told people not to blame themselves
But I remember the day I last saw you
Standing across my street screaming my name and waving.
And I hardly looked up.
Gave you my half smile because I’d worn the souls of that day’s shoes through
And went home to collapse and watch some tv.
I didn’t stop.
I didn’t say hello.
Just a half smile and a small wave.
And that was the last thing I gave you.
The last thing that could’ve been something more.
Instead of saying your name,
Validating your existence,
I gave you the
Too tired for the world routine.
And I’m sorry.
Oh God, I’m sorry.
I wish I could’ve been there.
I wish I could’ve said something.
I wish I could’ve made some difference.
And even if I didn’t make some difference
I still wish I’d said something.
Because I can’t admit it to anyone but this page
I feel awful.
I feel awful and I miss you.
I feel awful and I miss you And somedays it seems like a miracle
That the world is still turning without you.
The world is still turning without you.
Someday the world will turn without me too.
But I don’t care.
There are some days where I just don’t care.
I just want to be away from this place and somewhere safe.
Somewhere where I can gather you up in my arms
Feeling you squirming against that hug
Saying I held you too tight
Some days I wake up and hardly feel that turn
That turn that tells me the earth is moving on without you.
But some days
Some days I feel that earthquake that you left behind.