I thought I lost you for a moment.
That is to say I ever had you,
Which I didn’t.
But this evening I thought for a second you were gone.
Full force retreat out of my life.
If I know what anything looks like
I know what the boots of 1000 soldiers
across a muddy field looks like.
And I thought you’d gone.
Thought I’d done something wrong
Made some social faux pas
Made some mistake that shattered the delicate blown glass idea we’d made together.
And the shakes started forming under my skin
And the tears welled up
And I tried to breathe and tell myself it’d be okay.
That I’d faced things like this a million different times.
To not mourn for something that was always just in my head.
But then you came back.
I had that brief panic
And then I remembered who you were.
You are the anchor.
You are not holding me down
But holding me in place.
For it is not the anchor that sinks the ship
But the ship’s weaknesses in the storm.
I thought I’d lost you.
Thought that silk string we’d tied around our fingers
With our child like grins gapping and pulsing
Thought the strings we’d stretched these miles
Laying each mile carefully down with promises of futures undefined
I thought this string
Had finally reached it’s full length and snapped
Just like all the other silk strings I have wrapped around my knuckles.
Frayed edges of friendships and loves that they swore were as eternal as the horizon.
Now they’re just little ringlets of reminders of people who I once occupied a space in their heart
But now they only rent part time in mine.
But for some reason
Some reason I can’t explain
You’re always dishing out more silk string every time I try and turn to run.
Making this eventual break of string impossible.
Because so many have taught me that if I run
The other won’t chase.
It will just snap and break
Whatever it is that we had.
You’re different with your sweet smile
Your eyes that tell me everything is going to be fine
And your tongue that spits out words like
Love and friendship and happy and calm
Words that sew themselves into blankets and warm me on winter nights.
And so I’m sorry I doubted you.
I’m sorry I tugged at this string and lept off the cliffs of self doubt
Expecting this string to break and to send me down.
You’re different from all the rest.
And I keep telling myself you’re not
Shaking my head trying to not hear the way your words feel across my skin
But I can’t block it out
And I don’t want to block it out.
I just wish I could believe it.
I wish I could believe it
Because I think you might be the answer to the prayer I made when I was 5 years old.
Asking for Him to send me someone I could believe in again.
Someone who didn’t break me the way all the others did.
But over the years I just learned to break myself.
Not let them have the satisfaction of tearing me apart.
You could be that answer.
The someone I could believe in.
And the way I felt when I thought I lost you
Proves it to me.
We have nothing
And yet it tore me apart to think you were gone.
And that’s how I knew you were someone
In whom I could believe in.