Deserving Happiness

I said “things have been hard as of late”

And you told me I deserved to be happy.

To let go of all the things that were dragging me down

And be happy.

But do you realize the way that hit me?

The way it was your whisper to move on?

To leave behind the little girl who sat at your Buddha feet

Aged beyond your years

The little girl who sat and listened and absorbed your teachings?

To leave her behind and become the woman I’ve been sketching for the last 8 months?

Because that’s what I heard.

You and I have a problem of saying words and hearing different things

And so I don’t know if that’s what you meant.

But you told me to be happy.

And I think you and I would both agree

That the easiest way for me to be happy

Would be to leave you behind.

So I’m trying.

I really am.

I left that girl out on a street corner

But every time I open my window I can hear her crying out on the wind.

And I don’t know if theres a middle ground.

Somewhere between leaving you completely behind and just barely off radar.

All I know is

That I can’t handle you right now.

You make me bend and break in places I wasn’t aware of.

You’ve got this control over me that neither of us wants.

So I pushed that little girl out of the car as I drove by.

The girl I grew out of.

I threw her out saying

“I am gonna be happy!”

But this isn’t happy.

I think I know what happy feels like

But this isn’t it.

Happy is stumbling up your doorstep and you smiling that lopsided grin as I just waltz in.

Happy is snuggling down under your ribs just to smell your old man sweater.

Happy is walking past your house in the snow and smiling to myself knowing you’re home and safe.

No, this isn’t happy.

But its been months since I felt a happy that didn’t have your name etched somewhere in it.

So I don’t know if this is happy without you

Or just plain bad.

Is this what everyone else feels like when they’re pulling themselves out of a love?

So you told me to forget the bad things.

Things like the way your eyes darkened that last time.

Things like your words heard in a way I don’t think you meant.

Things like I can’t breathe sometimes because you’re not here.

And I’m washing them away.

I take 5 showers a day hoping with enough soap and elbow grease

I won’t long for your skin against mine.

Hoping that at some point I will forget the way you were always warm and soft in your cool hard way.

No I don’t know what to do anymore.

Because trying to be happy is tiring me out.

It’s breaking these half broken bones

And shaking me so I rattle and roll

My teeth jammed together so tight I only notice after my tongue goes numb because it slipped in the side.

Yeah I deserve to be happy.

But happy isn’t a place.

It’s a way of getting somewhere

And I lost my road map

The day I met you.