Gotta reach down these fingers to the depths of my soul.
Gotta find the thing that’s gonna keep me ticking.
Gotta find what it is that’s going to weather this storm.
Because honestly I ain’t never felt like this.
This tsunami of fear and sadness.
Every time I think its gone
It just sweeps over me again.
And I am never gonna find solid ground like this.
So let me reach down in my belly.
Down my throat
Choke on my hands
Until I find something to hold me.
Hold me on this solid land.
Hold me in this solid place.
But I don’t know what it is
And I don’t know what it feels like.
I just know I’ve got to find it.
I’ve put too much time into thinking I am sane.
Too much time into thinking I can handle it
To let these dark water waves get the best of me.
And I’ve faced bigger waves
But they’ve never hit so hard or so fast
And I’m slipping and falling and breaking and bending
And I’m scared.
Scared that everything is going to fall apart at any given moment.
Scared that just because these wounds and breaks don’t appear on my surface
That they can’t heal
That they will be here forever.
But I will find something.
I will grope around in the darkness of this belly
Feeling for shapes that seem like they might fit these broken places.
Someday I hope to find myself whole again.
I hope to fix these broken and bleeding places.