Gotta Find Something

Gotta reach down these fingers to the depths of my soul.

Gotta find the thing that’s gonna keep me ticking.

Gotta find what it is that’s going to weather this storm.

Because honestly I ain’t never felt like this.

This tsunami of fear and sadness.

Every time I think its gone

It just sweeps over me again.

And I am never gonna find solid ground like this.

So let me reach down in my belly.

Down my throat

Choke on my hands

Until I find something to hold me.

Hold me on this solid land.

Hold me in this solid place.

But I don’t know what it is

And I don’t know what it feels like.

I just know I’ve got to find it.

I’ve put too much time into thinking I am sane.

Too much time into thinking I can handle it

To let these dark water waves get the best of me.

And I’ve faced bigger waves

But they’ve never hit so hard or so fast

And I’m slipping and falling and breaking and bending

And I’m scared.

Scared  that everything is going to fall apart at any given moment.

Scared that just because these wounds and breaks don’t appear on my surface

That they can’t heal

That they will be here forever.

But I will find something.

I will grope around in the darkness of this belly

Feeling for shapes that seem like they might fit these broken places.

And someday

Someday I hope to find myself whole again.

I hope to fix these broken and bleeding places.