Sometimes I imagine what it would be like to die now.
To veer into the wall and cease to exist.
To have some strange disease and not wake up tomorrow.
To be involved in some terrible accident and not be here anymore.
I don’t know if that makes me morbid
Or just tired.
I don’t know if that’s normal
Or if something is wrong.
All I know is that sometimes I’m too tired.
Not physically tired
Tired of eating and sleeping and writing and being.
Tired of breathing.
Tired of all the little things I don’t notice I do.
And I want to rest.
I want to close my eyes and not feel my eyes.
I feel so overburdened by the world around me
Dragged down by my own skin and bones.
And I believe in a life after.
I believe this is not the end
But I think He might be able to show me how not to feel like that.
He might have some secret spa he has that removes you from yourself.
I’d like to be the petal of a flower for a day.
I’d like to be the dirt that flower grows out of.
I’d like to be that drop of water that gets absorbed into that dirt.
But for now I am me.
And I’m not going to veer into this wall.
And I’m not sick.
And I’m avoiding accidents.
But sometimes I wonder.