I was ashamed.
Ashamed of the way I felt for you.
Part of it was because I was taught
Emotions make you weak.
If people know how you really feel
They can hurt you.
But it was also because,,,
I knew it was dumb.
Dumb for me to have such deep controlling feelings about you.
About someone who never let anyone past the surface.
It was dumb to feel a connection with someone
Who spent their whole life aloof.
It was like I was back in 7th grade.
Crushing hard on the star basketball player while I spent all my time in the band room.
I knew it was stupid to feel for you like I did.
But I guess I’ve just watched too many 80’s movies.
I am not Andy,
I am not the girl from 16 candles,
I am not any of Molly Ringwald’s characters.
Instead I am Ducky.
I am the one who spends years trying to work up the courage
And just watched you walk away.
But that’s okay
Because I knew it was dumb from the start.
Dumb for feeling the way I did.
It’s like some form of hubris.
My fatal flaw.
Always falling for the emotionally unavailable.
But that’s okay now.
I can say your name out loud now.
I can admit something now.
But you still won’t hear it.
You never heard it.
Andy never understood what she did to Ducky
When she walked away.
But I do.