On Letting Go

I am not as strong as I appear.

Sometimes I still break down and weep for the boy s I was meant to have a few more years with.

I never know quite what it is,

A college kid lying on a hospital bed,

A grieving mother on a cop drama,

Or even a letter from my parents’ lawyer who has the same name, but spells it differently.

I never know quite what it is that breaks me, but I do.

I still break for those boys.

Both taken before any person should.

Before they tasted life really.

Before they were satisfied enough to lick it off their fingers, fold their napkin and push away from the table.

No, neither of them were ready for that.

And none of us were ready for them to go.

But they’re gone.

One almost four years, the other just under a year.

But they’re both gone.

And my mind tells me I should’ve healed.

I should’ve closed up this wound and packed it away.

But sometimes I think I see them in a crowd.

Or I hear the way they laughed

Or the sun hits my cheek just the way it did that summer

And I’m lost swimming through memories of boys that were never mine to have.

Boys who were taken when I was just learning how to hold them.

Boys whose names are mostly forgotten.

But I can’t forget them.

They still echo through my conscious every now and again.

And I think, “I should be healed”

I think “I should be fine”

I think “There is something wrong with me for still holding on”

But I can’t let them go.

I can’t let the way he included me go.

I can’t let the way he made her laugh go.

I can’t let the way his parents were so strong, go.

I can’t let the way his death sent me to my knees go.

I can’t let the way I screamed for him go.

I can’t let the way I lived a year of my life for him go.

I can’t let the way I could’ve helped him go.

I can’t let the way I wasn’t there go.

I can’t let go.

I won’t let go.

They are supposed to be remembered.

They are supposed to be emblazoned upon my memories.

They are supposed to be here.

But they’re not.

So they’re Here.

Here in my heart.

My boys.

My two boys.