Paranoia

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry if perchance I’m pissing you off, bugging you, or not really your friend.

I’m sorry if you don’t think I belong here, I am cool enough, or that I’m intruding.

I will back off. I’ll disappear. I’ll fade into the background.

You don’t need to worry about me. Don’t worry about me. I’m gone.

But in the off chance that you aren’t thinking any of these things

Let me know?

I mean we’ve all had our fair share of knives in the back

but if you want to see a map of them mine are fresh and many.

I’ve got new ones cropping up every day and so I’m a little gun shy,

Or rather knife shy.

So I’ve got some major trust issues.

Coupled with some friendship paranoia.

I know I may seem rough and rude,

but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to be friends.

In all honesty in means I need you more.

I need you to stay.

I need you to say I am here.

I need you to have patience with me.

Because my eyes will go wide.

My mind will race

and my heart will be out the door.

I’m sorry I can’t just look at you and know we are friends.

No I look at you and see knives large and small.

I see all of the ways you could hurt me.

But I’m still here.

Still trying.

I hope you are too.

Pictures

I saw a picture of you today.

A picture taken with your new friends in a place we never went to.

I didn’t miss you.

I didn’t feel possessive.

I didn’t feel betrayed.

Instead I just felt sad.

Felt sad for the times we never had together.

Felt sad for the way we ended and for the way you refused to respect me.

We had once been the best of friends always talking, always one in love with the other.

But you grew bitter and angry at the world.

I stayed happy and go-lucky.

And by the end of our years penned together we were strangers sharing a sandwhich.

So I saw a picture of you today.

You looked happy.

I was glad you were happy.

I was glad that maybe you had found something or someone to make you feel whole.

I’m still me.

I still believe in Jesus Christ and I still go to church.

I wonder if you’d understand that now.

I wonder if you’d respect me now.

I saw a picture of you today and I wonder if you see the pictures of me.